Turkey Baster Buddies

Ok, for all of you who like country music: stop reading. I personally can’t stand it. Why? because I think they’re all sellouts and their music is stupid. Literally, 90% of the music country “artists” (kind of an oxymoron) produce can be grouped with one of a few themes, some fit with several.

1. Alcoholism. yes, good old moonshine. I can’t count how many country songs i’ve heard about getting drunk! and I don’t even listen to country music when I can help it! WAAAY too many songs are about boozin’ it up, whether alone or at a bar

2. “My woman/man left me :’-( ” usually because one or more of the involved party cheated on the other. or reason number 1 (see Alcoholism). Seriously… If you screwed up that bad, maybe you should just get over it and find someone who got dropped on their head as a child, just like you.

3. Jesus. Now I have absolutely no problem with religion or religious songs. but… how many country songs are about jesus? Once again: i have no problem with religion. I respect it. But the theme is overused in country music! honestly, there is a genre of christian music… you could sing that without adding annoying twangy vocals and the same accoustic guitar! A final time: this is in no way anti-religious

4. Sex. Now I’m sure you don’t need any help with this… but who wants to imagine 2 snaggle-tooth rednecks doing the horizontal mambo wearing cowboy hats? Show of hands please. There’s waaaay too many country songs about doing the nasty. I realize other genres use this theme as well and it’s overused there too, country just happens to be my least favorite.

5. ”It’s ok (and in some circles cool!) to be a redneck!” Now I’m not saying that everyone who listens to country music is an inbred snaggle-tooth uneducated moron. Not at all… and there are plenty of farmers who aren’t this way and plenty of southern people who like country music who don’t exhibit any of the symptoms i’ve described. I’m talking about the downright hillbillies who make you cringe everytime they say “HOWDEE” and wave their obnoxiously large cowboy hats at you! This theme is meant as a self esteem boost to these kinds of people who may (or may not depending on location) have been shunned by the majority of their local population.

6. Love… nothing particularly wrong with this. Overused yes but hey, what can you do?

Now my theory for why the vast majority of country songs fit into these categories is because country singers know their audience! Yes they know that a very large portion of their listeners fit one or more of these categories and like the twangy redneck singing style. Soooo to get the most money out of their twisted wrung on the musical evolutionary ladder, they make most of their songs fit into one of these categories so they can attract more listeners rather than show some originality in their work. In fact if i had to guess, I’d say there’s probably a group of underground country musicians that sing about being racists just so they can get the racist white person listeners. But you have to know the right people to get ahold of that, it’s a carefully guarded secret.

And then there’s the new Kid Rock song. Wow, just wow…. it combines the sex and alcoholism theme while throwing in another one! MARIJUANA! yaaaay! It’s simply disgraceful that this can even pass as music! In fact the instrumental is just a mix of Warren Zevon’s “Werwolves of London” and Lenyrd Skinard’s “Sweet Home Alabama” (excuse the spelling mistakes) REAL ORIGINAL ASSHOLE! And then there’s a line where he “wishes he could see that girl again” FOR FUCK’S SAKE, THERE’S WAYS TO FIND PEOPLE OVER THE INTERNET! Welcome to the twenty-first century you prick!

Well that’s all I got for now. Till later, dogman91